without you

have you ever felt like nothing really matters, that whatever you do it will not change anything.

Like you could just go and drown yourself, cause it doesn't really matters to anyone anyway.

It's the thought you get in the morning when you wake up feeling alone and insecure, and this follows you all day, and get's even worse when you fall to sleep. It's not that "i have no friends" lonely feeling. It's more that "there isn't one special boy in this world who loves me, and only me" lonely feeling. Every time you see your self in the mirror, even if you just walk by, you feel ashamed. You feel like that face is not worth a shit, like you are the ugliest person in the world.

I keep writing and opening up, to everyone. But when I tell something straight to a person they really means something to me, they are special in my eyes.I'm sorry for being a mess, and I'm sorry for not telling anyone about it.I'm do not thinking that it best if I hold it all inside, but right now I don't wanna talk about it. Next week will be a mess, I guarantee that. But you my friends, you know how strong I can be right?! One of you will be leaving, and that really sucks. He will be leaving the week after that, but the different is that he'll come back, and you my friend you won't, at least not for now. I'm in love with him, you all know that, and to be honest that really sucks. It's really hard to know that there is another girl in his arms right now. So that's all I wanted to say, for now. I do have problems with telling straight to all of my friends what I really feel right now, so I tried to tell it here. I love you, and you, and you! <3 and I'm really sorry for everything.